


The Slow Path

by Athena_Ergane



Series: Mental Patient Castiel [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, Hallucinations, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Romance, Shower Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 11:10:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/609183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena_Ergane/pseuds/Athena_Ergane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all began with Dean falling for Castiel. Dean was slow to fall in love, but quick to leave Castiel behind. Cas' mistakes had been too great.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Slow Path

**Author's Note:**

> This is a trilogy I wrote while watching Season 7. It includes spoilers up to 7.17.

Falling for Castiel hadn't been like falling for pretty brunettes. Dean couldn't remember a moment when it happened, but rather many situations. He had descended slowly, but deeply. He teetered on the edge the moment they met, when Castiel's power sizzled before him. He was an incredible, striking being in the guise of a man, and with every meeting, Dean sank a little more.

"You should show me some respect," Castiel had growled to Dean in a dark voice one night. It struck Dean that his voice in that moment wasn't angelic at all. He found that Cas had the skill of rendering him speechless with so few words. Dean tried to work up the courage to lash out defiantly, but he found he couldn't even meet Castiel's eyes. Unexpectedly, he felt hot. He felt Castiel's steely blue eyes inspecting his face, and, for the first time, Dean desperately wanted to close what little space Castiel allowed between them. The intensity of Castiel's eyes represented only the tip of the iceberg that was his allure. Dean was only inches away from a strong, unshaven jaw and a mess of dark brown hair that seemed perfectly in disarray. Most importantly, there was a wave of power and knowledge in the vessel before him that pinned Dean in place. One glimpse into Dean's mind would have revealed a man tempted to bend to anything the angel asked. He swallowed back a 'Yes, Sir' with difficultly. Silence had been the greatest form of rebellion Dean could respond with to Castiel's words.

Castiel was gone just as quickly as he had come and Dean found himself curled back up inside his sheets, pleading and complaining to a God he didn't even like. _Thanks, God. Thanks a lot. This is just embarrassing. Why'd you have to send me a damn GQ angel? Stupid Cas. Sneaking into my room. Respect? Respect this. I should have... have..._ As angry and uncomfortable as he'd been in that moment, an hour after Castiel left Dean still hadn't been able to think of a suitable comeback.

The situation Dean was having only got worse. Fueled by denial, at first he was heavy on the insults. Sometimes he treated Castiel like his little angelic guinea pig and Cas never failed to amuse. Dean tried to get him drunk and tried to get him laid, never once admitting to himself that he - more than anything - wanted to skip the women so they could be alone. He prodded his angel for kicks and took mental notes of his innocent and interesting reactions.

No matter what he did, Castiel stuck close. He had faith in Dean when Dean didn't believe in anything. Dean lost count of the number of times Castiel had saved his life and Sam's. This powerful weapon became his best friend, which was something he had never had before.

Dean tried to convince himself many times that Castiel was just a friend. The shit had hit the fan and he didn't have time to question his heterosexuality, he told himself. Yet, being near Cas was like being near a hearth. He found that he didn't move when Castiel invaded his space. When Castiel pondered Dean like he was one of life's greatest mysteries with his peculiar gaze, Dean's eyes would meet Castiel's, sometimes pausing at the man's lips. _Push it down, Dean. It won't exist if you don't let it._

He did exactly that. His burgeoning love for Cas got filed away in a drawer in his mind where it tangoed with memories from Hell. Although he may have joked about it, Dean never wanted to truly corrupt Castiel. If he said anything or acted on his desires, things would change. Certainly, if his sensual fantasies ever became real, Castiel would be sullied. Dean wanted him to stay exactly the same. _Perfect, trustworthy Cas._

Gradually, it happened. Dean had crawled to the point where he had faith in Castiel. He would forfeit his life for that goofy angel that had no concept of proper porn-watching etiquette. When Cas wasn't around, a constant longing built up in his chest. It was something that he could never tell Sam about. When he prayed and called for the angel, Castiel never failed to come. Until, for reasons Dean would never understand, his best friend stuck a dagger directly into his heart.

In that moment, he felt a different kind of heat. It was behind his eyes and clogging his throat. What was he supposed to believe in if he couldn't believe in Cas? Dean's world was rarely, if ever, put together, but having Cas had been the most powerful glue in his possession apart from Sam. He called him his brother even though he was so much more. Now he didn't even have that.

All his friends died or left him. Dean told himself he was an idiot for thinking he could have anything good. God must have been laughing at him. Taunting him by making Dean capable of so much adoration for the angel only so he would feel especially raw when Castiel was no longer his. 

Castiel clung to Dean, promising to make everything right, but his hands were still fresh with blood. Dean tried frantically to sever every bit of feeling he had even though his instinct was to grab him and never let go. He wanted to dig his fingers into Cas, to yell at him, and abuse him. Instead, Dean watched him drown in his own mistakes. Castiel was taken away by something that was a greater evil than his pride, leaving nothing but a trench coat behind.

Bobby had tried to get him to talk. Sam wanted him to admit that he was not okay. Neither of them knew just how deep it all went because Dean had been pushing everything down almost from the start. He was fragile, trying so hard to be guarded.

By some cruel fate, he was forever drawn back to Cas. Just when he believed he had reached a point where he had no feelings for his blue eyes and his somber face, Castiel strolled right back into his life, threatening the walls Dean had built around himself. He found a completely new way to feel pain. Finally, he left Castiel with Meg because he knew the longer they were together, the easier it would be for his soul to be crushed yet again. He didn't want Cas, he said. He didn't need him.

Even though he hadn't looked back, Dean's pain hadn't dulled at all.

"Aw, brother," Lucifer chuckled. "You are way too easy."

Castiel chewed the inside of his mouth and sat as still as possible as his never-ending torment continued. Even when Lucifer had been on Earth, he had known the easiest way to torture Castiel. He knew exactly what buttons to press. He didn't need to make the walls run with blood, to peel Castiel's skin off, or even to tell Castiel what a failure he was, how _filthy_. It always came back to Dean.

"Does it bother you that he never had a clue? Oh, what am I saying, of course it bothers you!" Lucifer answered his own question because Castiel almost never did. He delighted in their current exploration with a sick glee. He mocked Cas, fluttering his eyelashes, "'Baby, I did everything for you.' After all that crap you _still_ never got fucked? Way to fall for the stupid one, Cassie."

Castiel shut his eyes tightly because he was tired of crying. Somehow he thought that would help keep his tears in. Now that Lucifer was in his brain, he had the advantage of every single one of Castiel's memories. His favorite ones were all full of Dean. Castiel loving the way Dean loved his car. Sharing fries and eating burgers. Castiel attempting to catalog Dean's freckles and his rare, but beautiful smiles. Dean's confusing jokes, his quirks, and most importantly, his bravery, were all featured prominently in Castiel's heart. There was almost nothing he did not love about Dean.

When he opened them, he kept his eyes off Lucifer and fixed them on the floor. Even with a voice constantly in his head, Castiel had never felt more alone. It was more accurate to say that he had been abandoned, and Lucifer knew very well how Castiel felt about that. The angel tried to keep the pleasant memories close as his only weapon, but it was all too common for thoughts to surface that told him he was exactly where he deserved to be. His vision focused on a pair of shoes and trailed up a pair of rugged jeans and a familiar jacket. A hallucination wearing Dean's smile greeted Castiel. Cas tasted blood as he bit his mouth too hard. He scurried back on his bed in shock, his back bumping against the headboard.

"Getting into position?" Lucifer teased. The Dean that wasn't Dean raised his eyebrows and watched Castiel, every handsome feature on his face reminding Castiel of what he would never have.

"You miss me?" Dean asked softly and even that was enough to break Castiel's heart.


	2. The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened after Dean left Cas to rot.

For months, Castiel rotted in the place Dean had left him. Lucifer was his constant companion, denying him rest and robbing him of his sanity every second of every day. Castiel fought it with all his strength. He could endure it better than Sam. He was still an angel after all. He didn't need to sleep or eat.

The humans couldn't comprehend how he was still alive. They forced medication and food on him. Castiel would swallow the pills obediently, knowing they could never solve his problems. Of all the food he was offered, he would eat nothing but French fries, usually only if Meg had brought them.

"You gonna eat them this time, lover? Or just stare at them?" Meg quirked her head to the side and waved her hand in front of Castiel's face. "Hello? Anybody home?"

The fries stood at attention in their little box on a tray in front of the angel. Their glistening bright yellow was the most colorful thing in the room. If they could talk, Castiel thought, they would probably only have good things to say. Lucifer rolled his eyes, "Listen, brother. How many times do I have to tell you? You won't grow up to be big and strong unless you eat a well-balanced diet!"

As always, Meg had no idea what Lucifer was saying, only that Castiel had gone well beyond the ability to tolerate it. She often found him in this catatonic state, sometimes chewing the inside of his cheek. She picked up a sliver of fried, greasy potato and moved it towards Castiel's mouth. "Say 'Ahh!'"

"Come on, big boy. You can do it," She smirked, false cheerfulness ringing in her voice. _This is depressing even for me._ Today she was feeling bold. "Clarence, you know how much I love it when you open that mouth of yours."

Meg locked the door behind her before straddling Cas, a fry still in her hands. She set it in her mouth, descending carefully to his lips. "Let's do this Lady and the Tramp style."

"Whore!" Lucifer coughed, "Slut!"

Amid all the madness, Castiel was always there, if only just barely. Meg's physical touch and the proximity of her lips to his, finally bought him to his senses. He felt slightly claustrophobic. "I'm not hungry."

"Aw, Daddy's back home!" Meg beamed, giving him a hug and pushing her breasts unnecessarily close to him. "If you eat just this one, I promise to do something good for you."

Castiel was fairly certain that Meg did not understand the concept of 'good,' but he decided to appease her anyway. His lips slid apart just enough to allow her to feed him. A grin spread wide across her face, "Now chew," she directed, guiding his jaw with her hands. "Nice angel…. Good angel."

Castiel chewed slowly and swallowed, savoring no satisfaction. He wholeheartedly believed he had lost the ability to enjoy anything. Lucifer berated and criticized everything he did. The way Castiel opened his eyes was wrong. The way he signed was offensive. The way Castiel sat perfectly still for hours was pathetic. Lucifer grated on his every last nerve. What made things worse was that the angel had listened to his negativity long enough to believe it was all true. The noise in his head made him feel like he was nothing. By comparison, Meg was a saint. She tipped her face ever more closely. "Now for the good."

"I'll have you know I'm texting all this to your boyfriend as we speak," Lucifer remarked judgmentally, tapping on a cell phone that hadn't existed moments ago. "You know, the one that abandoned you. A.k.a. – the one that doesn't give two shits if you die."

Right before she could plant one on his salty lips, Cas tilted his head away. Meg was bitterly angry and disappointed, but she didn't have to ask why. She knew. "Don't forget your meds, angel."

Without further comment she was gone and Castiel was left alone – or at least as alone as he could be.

* * *

Days didn't really end or begin. They blurred together as a single stream of pain. Everyday he was reminded of how unloved he was. Lucifer's favorite topics were Dean and what a filthy, sickening traitor Castiel was. He mixed it up with scenes from Hell and hallucinations just for kicks. He proclaimed himself as Castiel's humble manservant of torment.

Visions of Dean were the worst. Sam would accompany him sometimes, making the illusion all the more realistic. He'd been fooled more than he wanted to admit by visions of the Winchesters coming to get him out of the hospital. It was never real, and always followed by hollow, cruel laughter.

When Dean strolled into his room with a small vase of cheap-looking daisies, modestly offering his greetings, Castiel didn't bother to respond because everything around him was a lie. Dean sat across from him in a chair, looking nervous, "Look, alright, I know they're not the best, but it took a lot for me to come here. Cas, would you at least look at me?"

"Look at the poor man," Lucifer pleaded. Curling his face into an expression of intense contemplation, he continued, "He's definitely real."

At this, Castiel glared at Lucifer. He wasn't born yesterday. He had heard that line hundreds of times before. Instead of looking at the impossible Dean, he smacked the vase and it crashed to the floor, spilling water and petals over his slippers and the tiles. It did feel so real. Dean was offended, hurt, and scared, but Cas ignored him in favor of lifting up a single phantom daisy to inspect it. It was curious how the texture glided over his fingers and how the light reflected from its pollen core to the white petals.

To add to the angel's confusion, another Dean entered the room, this time led by Meg. This Dean was chilly and silent with a deep, perturbed frown on his face as he beheld Cas. "I brought your husband, now will you drop the crazy act?"

"You can see him too?" Castiel gasped. He watched Meg interact with the new Dean. She grabbed his shoulder and gave him a little shake to prove he was real, which could only mean that Meg was also a hallucination. As far as Castiel could remember, Lucifer did not include Meg in his hallucinations so this scenario was new. He watched them with rapt attention, feeling desperate and broken.

"You told me he was dying," Dean snarled at Meg.

"On the inside, Dean-o," she replied. He didn't have to hear it from Meg to see how true it was. This Dean - the real Dean - had seen the angel in some of his lowest moments, but now he was scraping the bottom of the barrel. Castiel's eyes seemed wild and sunken. His skin was mildly sallow and what had been his attractive mass of hair looked thinner than Dean remembered. No matter how low Castiel fell, Dean could not help feeling too much for him. It was painful to look at him.

"Has Meg been taking good care of you?" Dean asked awkwardly.

"Oh, more than you know," Meg answered Dean. "Right, Cas?"

"He's not real," Castiel answered, his heart pounding, "Stop talking to him like he's real."

The Dean beside Meg wore the same hurt expression Castiel had seen earlier on the Dean that had brought him flowers. _There are two Deans._ Castiel felt like he was going to be sick. There was no longer a method he could use to distinguish what Lucifer had created and what he hadn't. Cas had come to believe that any Dean was a fake. If that was true, how could he ever recognize the real Dean? He was getting exhausted just thinking about it.

"I told you I bought you your husband, silly," Meg interrupted. "He sure took his sweet time getting here, but he's as real as you are. Would I really bring you a fake Dean?"

Castiel gave her an incredulous look.

" _Oh._ That was just the one time! You have to admit it was pretty damn funn – " The demon nurse's voice trailed off into protests of fear and pain as the Dean she had brought shoved her against the wall.

"I told you to take care of him, you demon bitch!" He snarled, heat flooding into his face, "Is this what you've been doing? Torturing Cas? What else did you do to Cas?"

"W-Whoa now, Dean!" Meg squirmed, "You left a crazy angel with a demon. What the Hell did you expect I'd do?"

Her emerging laughter was silenced by his shouting, "What else did you do to Cas? I won't ask again."

"Fucked him."

She smiled proudly. Dean should have been prepared to hear that answer, but he wasn't. A swell of jealousy from within caused him to gnash his teeth together. "You what?"

Meg swallowed hard, "I was just kidding!"

He let her go, reluctantly.

"But I did kiss him while he was resting all angelic-like. You can't blame a girl, can you?" She teased, omitting the information about how she sometimes groped him a little too. "There aren't that many perks to this job. Gotta take 'em where I can. But don't worry. He's been saving himself for you."

Dean was staring at Castiel, who now seemed to want to have nothing to do with either of them. Meg pleaded Dean to stay for just a while longer because she thought it would be good for Cas. She was sure she wasn't doing any of this out of the kindness of her heart. She was just tired of playing the nanny and exhausted of their unrequited love that wasn't unrequited at all.

"He loves you. A lot. Too much. Like a hooker loves blow, but even more. Why do you think I brought you here? Enjoy," She ended in a sing-song voice, leaving Castiel to Lucifer and the two Deans.

The real Dean was stubborn to the end. He was certain Meg was just saying whatever she could to be a pain in the ass. Now that they were alone, he wasn't sure what to do. He was still feeling pangs of jealousy, but they were being quickly overwhelmed by a sea of guilt and sorrow. "Do you want me to leave?"

Cas was unresponsive. He was frozen in the spot where he stood, distracted by the flowers on the floor fading in and out of existence. If it had been within his power, he would have shut himself away where no Dean could ever break his heart again.

"Cas?" Dean subtly sucked in his lip in the way he did when he was barely holding it together. "Are you not even gonna answer me?"

Dean didn't think he deserved an answer after leaving Cas, but he had driven a very long way. It was the first time in ages he had seen his angel and every urge he once had was reignited. He had left Cas because it had been too much to deal with. He had been lying to himself by thinking he could ever hate Cas and he regretted every second they had spent apart. He didn't doubt that Castiel had gotten this bad because of him. When Castiel needed him the most, Dean had left him behind, and all for what? Dean didn't want this lost, despondent Castiel to be the last Cas he remembered. He thought about running from the situation, like he had run from so many things, but then he remembered that Castiel had been, and would always be, his best friend. Dean gave it one last try, "Cas, please?"

"You're… you're not real," Castiel sighed, resuming his seat on his bed. The Dean before him was so persistent, but there was no way Castiel could entertain the notion of the real Dean coming to see him after months of letting him rot in such a lonely place. He was right. He knew he was right because Lucifer was laughing at him. "I should not be speaking to you."

"I am real, damn it!" Dean scrambled forward even as he felt a jab to his core, twisting his insides. He was kneeling in front of the angel, trying to get him to meet his eyes, "I swear. I'm sorry. For everything. It's me. It's me, Cas."

Castiel couldn't find it in himself to stop speaking to the Dean on his knees even though he knew better. _Why must he torment me?_ He had to do something to get rid of this Dean. There had to be a way to make it stop.

"If you're real, then what about that Dean?" Cas tilted his head to the other Dean that had been in the room the entire time, complaining and sulking. The Dean Meg had brought glanced around and kept questioning Cas like he would have all the answers.

"Neither of you are real," He said with conviction and a fierce look into Dean's watery green eyes.

"How can you say that?" Dean choked back a sob. "I'm right here."

"That's exactly why you can't be real," Castiel replied. His words burned. Neither Dean seemed ready to go, so he explained it more thoroughly, thinking that logic would help him climb out of this torturous mess, "That other Dean came in just before you, bringing me flowers. The real Dean doesn't care if I die, so how could he be real? Same goes for you."

He was more far-gone than Dean could have imagined. Even in his state, Cas was nudging close to the truth. Meg had called Dean several times and asked him to come, but he never came, despite the fact that Castiel had always come to him when he needed him. This time was different, not because she told him Castiel was dying. That was only half of the truth. Dean had come because Meg had told him that Castiel had new important information on how to beat the Leviathans. Dean felt like a scumbag.

"I care," Dean replied.

"That's because you're a hallucination."

"What can I do to make you believe me?" Dean shot back desperately. At this, Castiel cocked his head to the side. This was one of the longest conversations he had entertained with any Dean in quite some time. He still believed he shouldn't be talking to him, but a part of him also wanted something to pass the time. Another part of Cas was beginning to doubt that all Deans were fake. The Dean that remained to close him was different in a way Castiel could not quite place. Lucifer had not shut his mouth, but he was more distant now.

"I don't know. Try telling me something only the real Dean would know," Castiel answered, tiring of everything. Thick-headed Dean didn't know how to respond to that. As he struggled to think of something, Castiel scoffed. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter. The real Dean would have brought Sam."

"I did bring Sam."

"Then where is he?"

"He's right outside. Sammy! Come here!" Dean yelled. Unsurely, a tall, timid figure crowded into the room. His face reflected almost as much hurt as Dean's because he had been listening to their entire conversation. He knew they should have come sooner. Dean had been so heartless.

Castiel was beginning to sweat from nervousness. The situation was confusing, but at last, Lucifer's voice in his head was becoming so soft it was nothing more than a whisper. The Dean with the flowers had vanished. Castiel looked repeatedly from Sam to Dean and back again. Finally, Sam could no longer bare it. With more courage than Dean had shown with all his words, he enveloped Castiel and Dean in a tight, loving hug. The angel was struck by a rare moment of absolute clarity. What couldn't be, suddenly _was_.

"We missed you, Cas," Sam said into the angel's feathery, dark hair. Everyone but the angel was sniffling and holding in sobs. Castiel was smiling. It was a broken smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Sam promised they weren't going to leave him. After listening to Cas' hopeless words and seeing his worn appearance, Sam didn't give a shit about what Dean thought. Sam was going to get Cas out. Castiel was just pleased to see that he looked healthy and strong. All his suffering had been worth it if it meant that Sam was better. Sam was impatient to get them all out and soon left to go talk with Meg.

Dean sat next to Cas on his bed, looking straight ahead with a hard look on his face. "We'll find a way to fix you. If it's the last thing I do, I'll make you whole again."

"What about the Leviathans?" Castiel asked. They had to have priorities. How could a single, disgrace of an angel compare to the safety of the entire world?

"We'll get them too," Dean replied.

 _He's trying to save everyone again._ This, of course, was one of the things he loved about Dean. It wasn't just that he was foolishly brave and sincere, but he made him believe that the impossible could be done. On the off chance that this was still a hallucination or that the Winchesters would change their minds, Castiel grabbed Dean's hand. He sat peacefully with his favorite human.

The pads of Castiel's fingers caressed the bones in Dean's wrists and his thumb rubbed tiny circles into his palm. If this was the real Dean, he would memorize him by touch so he could never forget him. All his concentration shifted to his gentle strokes. He was completely unaware of what his ministrations were doing to Dean. Alarms sounded in Dean's brain because this was this most intimate touch he had ever received from Cas. He fidgeted and felt his skin flush.

"Um…" Dean began, but couldn't finish. He gravitated towards Cas and soon found their faces were nearly touching.

"I think you just gave him a boner."

"What?" Castiel replied to Lucifer, whose voice had just clearly and loudly pierced the air.

"Huh?" Dean mumbled dumbly, slightly intoxicated with the touches Cas was giving him. Castiel was furious with himself for breaking his record of not talking to Lucifer. While Lucifer danced with glee, Castiel tried to shift his focus.

He concentrated on the space between them. That small amount of space they always seemed to put between them was ever present. By touching his hand, Castiel had begun breaching it. Although it was so miniscule, it was an important defining aspect of their relationship. He wanted to close it. Allowing himself to be selfish, he had come to think his life would be better if there was nothing at all between him and Dean. Castiel had attempted to be distant before, which had only resulted in agony for the both of them.

With the way Dean's eyes wandered over Castiel's lips, it was clear he must have been considering something similar. Dean's green gaze fixed upon Cas' eyes and they shared in the stare they gave each other when they were in complete awe of each other. This moment had to be real, Cas thought. The hot electricity between them was something only they could manufacture. The angel wondered if it would be right to kiss Dean and finally obliterate the few inches between them.

"Dean?" The angel struggled with so many things at once that he had no idea what to say. Castiel wanted to verbalize the nature of the space between them, but he had no idea how to put it into words. He did not know what it meant, or what it meant to Dean. It was impossible to comprehend how two men could be willing to stand up to Lucifer, to go to Hell and back, to die for each other, and yet be mortified of something so small as the air hanging between their lips. There were no words to properly discuss such a curiosity.

"Cas? Are you okay?" Dean frowned. He felt the same pressure Castiel felt. From the deepness of the angel's reverie, Dean expected Castiel to reveal some otherworldly wisdom or a dire revelation. Before Castiel could reply, someone was knocking softly at the door.

Sam cleared his throat, trying not to make it obvious that he was hyper-aware of the way Castiel was holding his brother's hand. "I brought Cas' clothes."

Neither Cas nor Dean moved. Dean didn't want to lose the angel's touch and the angel cared more about being beside Dean than changing his attire. With a sigh, Sam stepped into the room and dropped the clothes onto Castiel's lap.

"Aw, no. _Hell_ no," Dean tore away one of the garments, suddenly kicked out of his stupor. "There is no way Cas is gonna wear the grandpa sweater creepy Mrs. Amnesia picked out for him."

"Since when did you become a member of the fashion police?" Sam cut in, barely holding back a laugh.

Dean chucked the sweater to the side where it crashed into Lucifer's face. He ripped Emmanuel's pants out of Castiel's hands too. All eyes were on Dean. "What? He doesn't need these pants. He's got pants already. Come on, let's go."

When at last Castiel stood and gingerly put on his familiar, albeit bloodied, coat, the boys shared a rare look of wonder and joy. Their small smiles were returned by an unhinged quirk in Cas' lips. Meg entered and ran up to the boys, cooing over her favorite angel.

"I'm sure gonna miss you," She said. The demon buried herself in Castiel's coat, wrapping her arms snugly around his body. It was all an excuse to inhale the scrumptious angel scent clinging to him. It was such a turn on she almost couldn't stand it. She wouldn't dream of letting him go.

"Okay, that's enough. Thanks for everything, Meg. You're free to go," Dean said, tugging Cas' sleeve, annoyed that Castiel was hugging Meg back. Castiel was so sincere and appreciative in the embrace. For all the Hell she had put him through, there was a part of Cas that had a tiny crush on the demon.

"Don't forget to give Dean a good fucking," Meg muttered almost inaudibly in his ear before he was dragged away. "If you ever need a babysitter, just give me a call!"

"Thanks, Meg," Sam answered awkwardly. He would have never expected he would be thanking Meg, of all demons, for anything. It made him feel dirty so he quickly ran off to catch up with his brother and the angel attached to his hand. Grinning, the tallest Winchester teased, "Is this gonna be a new thing? Hand-holding?"

"Shut up, Sammy."

"I don't want to get lost," Castiel said, speaking for the first time in a while. The mood instantly became somber. The angel looked like he was barely accepting their situation as reality. Dean's hand was his greatest comfort and he was afraid he would lose that if he so much as blinked.

Sam could read the thoughts in Dean's head just from looking at the glare his older brother shot his way. _I thought you were supposed to be Mr. Sensitive._ Grasping for a change of subject, Sam asked, "Uh, Cas, so what did Meg whisper to you back there?"

"I…don't think it would be wise for me to repeat it."

"Are you serious?" Dean halted in his steps, still clinging to Cas' hand tightly. "Haven't you learned a damn thing? Do you remember what happened the last time you tried to keep something from me? F-From us? If we're gonna do this, you have to promise not to keep any secrets."

"Well, she…" Castiel began, finding difficultly in forming words. His eyes wandered all around the hospital hallway. Sam was a lot quicker than Dean, and could tell from Castiel's awkwardness that Dean was about to wish he hadn't pressed Cas.

"She said, 'Don't forget to give Dean a good fucking'…"

Sam was peeling with laughter all the way to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A really cool person on Tumblr made [a beautiful work of art](http://artsyunderstudy.tumblr.com/post/45224436805/i-am-real-damn-it-dean-scrambled-forward-even) for this chapter. Thank you, artsyunderstudy!


	3. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, Sam, and Cas are reunited. They share each other's pain.

The first time Dean laughed in a long time, it wasn't because of anything funny. He was driving the beat-up Ford they were currently using down a darkened, lonely stretch of highway laughing to himself because of all the lunacy that never ceased to fill their lives. He laughed because he had the man who had set Lucifer free riding shotgun and he had an angel who had opened the Pandora's box of all things evil sitting pretty in the seat behind him. Of course, Dean could never forget that he had been the man to open the first seal that had gotten the ball rolling.

"What's so funny?" Sam asked.

"Nothin'," Dean smirked. "Just look at us. Team Free Will."

Sam let himself feel pleasant nostalgia over their reunion for a moment before he tried to curl up against the window to sleep for a few minutes. The trio seemed more dysfunctional now than they had in the start. They had just broken Castiel out of the mental hospital and he was currently coasting on a dark cloud of madness neither brother could see. The angel was so quiet it was as if he was barely there at all.

"You ready to save the world again, Cas?" Dean asked.

"I – yes?" The angel replied, although he would have agreed to anything Dean said. He was beyond grateful to be free again because he believed with all his heart that he did not deserve it. Now, Castiel was returning to himself, thanks to Sam and Dean, but it was a slow process. The angel had been trying to fight his demons alone with great internal struggling, but the boys were all he had ever needed.

For the first few hours in the car, Castiel had been almost completely mute. During those moments, Sam wore himself out talking to Castiel non-stop to fill up the car with something that wasn't Lucifer's voice. Although he could no longer hear it, he knew it was there. Sam knew that Castiel needed a familiar, friendly voice to speak to him even if he wasn't always able to listen. So, Sam talked, and caught Castiel up on everything he needed to know. He tried to entertain him with the most exciting aspects of the hunts they had been on recently. Whenever he saw Castiel start to slip back into his little world, Sam reassured him that they would never let him out of their sight. He made the angel focus, but glossed over the more devastating aspects of their story. He never talked about Bobby.

Sam's voice was a cool river, flowing through the fire-ravished scenery of Castiel's psyche. Castiel could almost savor the love that the younger Winchester shared with him, without ever putting it into so many words. The angel remembered pulling Sam out of the cage and was in awe of how the tables had turned. Sam made Castiel feel more welcome than Dean did, which was remarkable to the angel considering what he had done to Sam by mercilessly breaking the wall in his mind. All the time the angel had spent in the mental hospital was not used solely in agonizing over the unrequited love he held for Dean. The suffering he had caused Sam had equally tormented Castiel. He could thank Sam a thousand times for his kindness and it would never be enough.

No one but Cas could see that Lucifer was getting annoyed. Nothing Lucifer could say had the power to sully Castiel's image of Sam. And now, Castiel had more to push him to fight. He had Sam's gentle words and the memory of the feel of Dean. He had the desire to make everything up to the both of them. He wanted to be deserving of any of the kindness generously offered to him. Castiel traced his fingers over his own hand, remembering the way it felt when he had touched Dean.

Dean had stubbornly refused to allow any of their conversations to get too deep. When Sam and Cas wandered into the territory of being sorry about anything, he shut them down quick. Dean had already cried in the mental hospital as Sam clutched him and Cas tight and he refused to cry again. In comparison to his brother, Dean offered few words of comfort to Castiel. His manner of taking care of the angel was completely different. Dean was secretive in the way he continually stole glances at Castiel in his rear-view mirror. His gaze was scrutinizing, trying to judge just how bad his mental state had become. Dean wanted to be sure the angel would be all right as much as Sam and he wished hopelessly that just keeping an eye on him would do something to help. The hunter was tense because he continually expected Castiel to suddenly vanish or have an extreme change in mental states that would cause an irreversible breakdown.

As he watched him like a hawk, Dean noticed the way Castiel had curiously observed the inside of the Ford like it was a spaceship. It had been as adorable as it had been sad. Castiel was like a fish out of water. There didn't seem to be one thing that did not befuddle the poor angel.

For miles after Sam had finished talking, the only sound in the car was Classic Rock music and Dean's occasional singing. Once Sam was drooling quietly by his side, Dean spoke to Cas, who was still entranced by his hand. When he spoke, he was earnestly cheerful, "We'll have to get you a suit. You know, like the one you used to have."

Dean was caught off guard by the tone of his own voice and inwardly cursed himself once he realized how gay he sounded. _What's next, Dean? You gonna tell him he needs a nice blue tie to bring out his eyes?_ It was difficult for Dean not to be extremely aware and paranoid of his own thoughts and intentions after Meg had mentioned the depths of Cas' love for him so many times. It was especially hard after having felt the angel's fingers fondling his hand. Dean was uneasy and flustered about all of it.

"I mean, in case you need to look professional. Well, you will. You know what it's like. Uh, how about you just wear one of my FBI suits?" Dean offered. He knew he had a blue tie somewhere that Cas could wear. He felt like he was having a conversation with himself, which was just a little bit irritating. He pressed Cas, "Hey. Are you tired? Do you even sleep these days? Or eat? If you're hungry we can stop somewhere around here."

"No, thank you," the angel replied. If new clothes and a hot meal could fix Cas, Dean would have had all the answers. In the silence that ensued, both men thought about what they would have done if Sam had not returned to Castiel's room in the mental hospital as quickly as he had. Castiel rested his eyes, praying silently to hear another song from Dean's lips.

* * *

When the night had fallen to its darkest, chilliest hours, Dean pulled up to a cheap motel. If it had been just him and Sam they might have slept somewhere on the side of the road, but now they had Cas. To make up for leaving him behind in the mental hospital, Dean wanted to take good care of him even if the best he could offer was a cheap motel.

He ordered one room with two queens out of habit. Sam waited outside with Cas to keep an eye on him. The Winchesters had already developed a tacit agreement that one of them would be around the angel at all times.

Once they reached their room, Sam strolled in and set his laptop down on the table while Dean rummaged through a bag for the FBI suit that was almost Castiel's size. When Dean found it, he set the suit to the side, placing a dark blue tie around the hanger. Sam was peacefully checking his email when Dean realized a slight problem.

Castiel was usually only ever a temporary guest in any of the rooms they rented. Now he would be staying the night, for several nights, at least until he was better. _Where the Hell are we going to put him?_ The angel in question was occupying space next to Dean, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. "Sam."

"What?"

"Come 'ere. I have to talk to you," Dean frowned. As Sam got up to join to Dean, Castiel slowly made his way to one of the beds. He sat on it, springing up slightly. In a hushed voice, Dean began, "What are we gonna do about Cas?"

"What do you mean?" Sam replied.

"I mean, we can't keep an eye on him if we're both asleep. What if he gets the urge to, ya know, stretch his wings or somethin'?"

Sam contemplated Dean's words for a minute. It was a valid point. Since Castiel had just gotten out of the hospital, he would probably be especially prone to confusion and recklessness. Staying in one place had never been one of Castiel's habits. He was more likely to vanish in the middle of a conversation than he was to linger anywhere.

"Should one of us stay up while the other sleeps to keep watch?" Dean suggested.

"What? No, Dean. That would be inefficient," Sam argued. If they did that, they were much more likely to get burned out after a few nights and they had important business to take care of during the day that necessitated decent rest. There were easier ways to solve this problem. While the brothers discussed Castiel, the angel began to have a conversation of his own. Bobby flashed before his eyes with a hairy, familiar smile on his face.

"It sure is good to see you again, old pal," the apparition said. Castiel smiled in return. Either he was hallucinating or Bobby was dead. "Fresh out of the loony bin, huh?" The angel nodded and Bobby's ghost expressed a range of exasperated expressions that were reserved solely for the Winchester boys. "Well, it's about damn time they got you out!"

Castiel's distracted, troubled blue eyes searched for Dean. The angel wasn't aware that he was the subject of their current conversation. He wasn't aware of much at all. In fact, Cas felt like he was in a dream. He remembered what it was like to dream from having been a fallen angel for a while. Everything was a bit cloudy and distant. Bobby wasn't surprised to see that the angel was fixated on Dean, although it did make him feel a little bit like chopped liver by comparison. "Don't worry about Dean," Bobby sighed, "He'll come around eventually."

"Thank you," Castiel answered softly.

"Just share with Cas. If he moves, you'll feel him," Sam said.

"What? Why me?" Dean protested. "You share with Cas!"

"Hey, Cas! Do you mind sharing a bed with Dean?" Sam shouted over to the angel. He spoke loudly because Castiel had been talking to himself in a disturbed fashion.

"I do not require sleep."

"Yeah, I know that," Sam replied. "Do you mind _not_ sleeping with Dean in a bed?"

Castiel did not understand what Sam meant at all, but he nodded because he felt he had no right to object to anything the Winchesters offered.

"Alright. Then it's settled. You can take that bed with Cas," Sam decided.

"No! Why can't he sleep with you?" Dean complained. Sam was just about ready to throw something at his stupid older brother. There were many reasons why it had to be this way.

"I need more room," Sam pouted, brandishing his Giant Card.

"You little – "

"Grow up, Dean! It's just Cas! You sleep more lightly than I do. Anyway, you guys have that 'profound bond' and everything. So… profoundly bond. In bed."

Red filled Dean's face as Sam effectively shut him up. He'd think of some way to get back at Sam later. For the moment, he needed a drink or three. After the men had opened a few beers, the humans of the group could no longer keep their eyes open. Sam was the first to go down. He was out like a light. He slept like a rock with his long legs hanging slightly off the edge of the bed.

"Needs more room," Dean grumbled to himself as he got ready to climb into bed with Cas. He kept himself angry to avoid feeling anything else. Once he was under the sheets, he commanded the angel to lie down. For a moment, Dean was on his side, staring at Cas who was staring right back, "Just stay like that, okay?"

"Why?" Cas replied. Everything in his eyes was a question. He did not understand why the boys insisted he remain in the bed after clearly emphasizing his inability to sleep.

"Because we need to sleep, damn it. Even though you can't, you're gonna pretend, and if you so much as _think_ about getting out of this bed, I will hunt you down and kill you," Dean warned. Everything about Cas was difficult. He truly was a big baby in a trench coat. Dean yawned, which took the edge off his ferocity, "Meditate or somethin'. Just don't move. There's only two rules, okay? One. Don't get out of bed until I say you can. Two. No spooning."

Cas was going to have a hard night. Dean's eyes closed and he eventually fell into a sleep that was beautiful to the angel's eyes. In the darkness, Cas contemplated every breath and measured every tiny movement the eldest Winchester made. Castiel even tried in vain to join Dean in his nightly endeavor by shutting his eyes too. _Meditate._

The night was still and surprisingly quiet. Sam only woke up once and it was to a shout from Dean.

"N-No spooning! I said no spooning!"

"What?" Castiel's soft voiced answered in alarm. What spoons had to do with sleep was an absolute enigma to him.

"That's spooning, Cas! Geez! We only had two rules! C'mon!"

Sam had to grin as he listened to Dean complain about being the 'little spoon.'

* * *

As the night passed on it had been Dean that had been unable to remove his touch from Castiel. Even in his deep sleep he had to remain in some sort of contact to ensure the angel would not fly away. When Castiel was sure Dean was sleeping, he whispered heartfelt apologies to him. Cas knew Dean hated apologies so he spoke gently in Enochian because humans could not understand it even though Dean wasn't awake to hear. _I'm sorry for letting you down. I will never stop being ashamed of betraying you._ He went on with words that were woefully poetic in his natural tongue. When the morning light shone across their bodies, Dean was curled up to Castiel's side. Castiel was lying flat on his back with Dean's leg intertwining his. When both of their eyes were shut, Sam snapped a picture of them together with his phone.

Dean woke up to his brother's snickering. _H-Huh?_

Dean felt blissfully wonderful and warm, like he had visited a spiritual healing spa in the middle of the night. Waking up next to Cas made him feel like his entire body had been blessed. It was a clean, sparkling feeling that Dean never wanted to forget. His hand rubbed over Castiel's chest and he sighed dreamily. Unknowingly, he nudged his face delicately against Castiel's collarbone.

"Oh my God," Sam chortled, snapping a few more pictures. "This needs to be on the Internet."

"W-What? What the fuck are you doing?" Dean bolted out of bed as soon as he realized the position he was in. "Sammy, you dick! D-Did you just take a picture?"

Dean did not know how good his advice had been. Meditation had effectively helped Castiel ward off Lucifer for several hours. While he had not slept a wink, the angel still felt refreshed. Dean's proximity had also kept him grounded all night. He would not dare fly anywhere if Dean was next to him. He would happily endure any number of hours in silence to feel Dean's cheek to his collarbone.

Once the brothers tired of chasing and teasing each other, they got ready for the day. They were following Dick Roman leads even though there wasn't much to go on. Dean and Sam were active at this time of day, brushing their teeth and pouring over their notes. Castiel was still because he did not understand much of what was happening and because he partially remained in a Dean-induced daze. At last, Dean fixed his eyes on him.

"Well, hurry up and shower, Cas," Dean ordered. He had forgotten that Castiel could clean himself with his angel mojo, which threw Cas off for a moment. Cas wondered if Dean wanted him to do other things in the human manner, like he did with sleeping. He was moderately curious about the shower. "I'm serious, Cas. You have to get into one of my suits and your angel stank has accumulated, man."

"Angel stank?" Sam questioned.

Dean shrugged as if to say he would know because he had had his face buried in Castiel's white, hospital t-shirt most of the night. With a put-upon sigh, Dean got up and dragged an unresponsive Castiel to the bathroom, "Come on, space cadet." The wide, blue eyes that met his face surprised Dean. _Okay, this is not rocket science._ Dean was beginning to worry that he would have to walk the angel through everything. "Just… take off your clothes."

"That's what she said!"

"Thanks, Sam. Real helpful," Dean answered sarcastically.

"And on that note, I'm going to get us some coffee," Sam mumbled. There was coffee in the room, but he figured they would need more. Donuts couldn't hurt either. He might search for a fruit salad too. Mostly, Sam was pretty sure he wasn't ready to be around his brother and a naked Cas. He thought it was strange that Castiel hadn't used his angel cleaning powers. Either Cas was fresh out of them or he actually wanted to get naked in front of Dean. It was too early for Sam to get involved in those kinds of matters. "I'll get Cas a donut too. Cas, you like sprinkles? Okay, Nevermind."

Sam ran out as quickly as humanly possible and nobody noticed.

"Take off your damn coat!" Dean growled, trying to help Castiel out of his coat. Castiel wasn't helping him at all. "You are such a child! Do you not even know how to undress yourself? Cas?"

The angel held on to the coat not because he was being stubborn, but because it was full of questions he was trying to remember. Now that they were alone, together, there were things Castiel needed to know of Dean. Before he could focus on anything in particular, the bathroom faded into a hellish, frightening red. The coat could protect him, Castiel thought. The coat meant something so he kept it on.

"You are such a prude," Lucifer said. He was sitting in the corner, sucking the meat off a human bone, just to try and draw Castiel's eyes to him. The scraps from his meal fell into a wooden bowl that was full of blood. Instead of giving him the pleasure of looking at him, Cas kept staring at Dean. He focused on his face and chased the fragments of the thoughts he had been having.

"Dean?" Castiel cried, doing his best to hide his terror. He gasped, "The coat! What does it… _mean?_ "

"What?" Dean frowned. The angel slipped down against the bathroom counter and their legs almost intertwined. Dean could tell something was wrong and that some kind of episode was about to begin. "What are you talking about?"

Lucifer was teasing him loudly now and Castiel was trying his best to distract himself. _Think of Dean. Dean returned the coat to me. The coat is important. The coat is real._ Panic was rising from within. He knew Lucifer was a lie. He knew Dean was real. He knew the coat was real. He knew why Dean mattered, but could not understand the meaning of the coat. At last, he asked, "Why did you keep the coat?"

"What?" Dean knew damn well what Castiel was getting at, but he brushed his thoughts away. He kept the coat because it smelled of Castiel. It was hope. The coat symbolized the fondness that had grown between them. Dean would caress it sometimes when he was getting something out of the trunk. He 'accidentally' used it as a pillow a few times. Castiel was looking at him with desperation and yet Dean could not verbalize any of these things. To say those things would be to admit he loved Castiel more than he believed he should. He shoved all those feelings right where they belonged – well out of sight.

"It's a nice coat."

With such few words, Dean reduced their relationship to something smaller than what it was.

"It's a nice coat?" Lucifer laughed, clapping his hands together, "Oh, wow."

"No sense in letting a good coat go to waste, huh?" Dean tried to grin and laugh it off, but he couldn't because of how dirty he felt. He soothed Cas by rubbing his shoulders. "You gonna be okay?"

Castiel finally slipped out of the coat, unable to understand why he felt the immense disappointment he felt. As he carefully passed the coat to Dean, he realized that it was because Dean had just lied to him. Castiel may not have been worthy of honesty, but he still desired it with all his heart. By keeping whatever secret he was keeping from Cas, Dean was a hypocrit. Cas was supposed to tell Dean everything, but Dean wouldn't even answer one of his questions seriously. Testing him, Castiel pressed, "Really? Did you ever put it on?"

Dean was getting heated for all the wrong reasons. Castiel was prodding at a sensitive area that the angel had no clue was so sensitive. Nonetheless, it pissed Dean off. It was like Cas was trying to shine a spotlight on his soul and Dean hated it. He didn't want Castiel to see what he kept inside. Dean wanted to make Castiel lose his cool so the focus would shift away from him. "No. I didn't put it on."

"Are you lying to me?" Castiel asked, his eyebrows furrowed together in serious contemplation. His intention was not to set Dean off, but he did.

"Damn it! What's with all the questions? Who gives a _fuck_ about your coat?" Dean smoldered, flinging the coat against the door. Dean believed Castiel had no right to ask him if he was lying about anything after he had lied to Dean about so many important, unforgivable things. "You think I don't have questions? We can start with, 'Why did you stab me in the back?' You like that?"

_Stop it, Dean._ Dean told himself to shut up, but he just couldn't. Furiously, he continued, "Why the fuck is Meg fucking Masters saying you love me and ought to give me a good fucking? What the Hell does that mean? Huh, Cas?"

Dean didn't know what he was saying. He wanted to punch Castiel in the face for bringing up the coat and all the feelings he wasn't supposed to have. He didn't have the nerve to physically throttle a demented angel, so he trashed him with his words instead, which was much worse. Dean played dirty because he was a coward and because he had been carrying around so much hurt for so long. In return, Castiel broke a little more. He fell into silence.

"I'm sorry," Castiel finally apologized. More than ever, he wished he had never crawled out of that lake. Cas wanted his last words to Dean to be true because Dean deserved the truth. He went on, "I know you don't believe me, but I did what I did for you. What Meg said was true. She knows because I told her. You may not have seen me for months, but I saw you everyday because Lucifer tormented – _torments_ – me with you."

As it turned out, Lucifer was more impressed by the real Dean than by any of the hallucinations he had created. Castiel used every bit of energy he had left to keep himself together in front of Dean. "I-I should go. I can tell my feelings are unpleasant to you. You've done more than you should have for me. For that, I thank you."

There was a flutter. Dean was suddenly caught staring at his own reflection in the mirror. The space where Castiel had been standing was empty. All the color drained from Dean's face. He had let his best friend down again for something petty and stupid. Dean was staring at his stupid fucking face, wanting to kill himself for pushing Cas away yet again. All this time, Cas had loved him. _All this time._ Tears were threatening to coat his eyes. There was not a damn thing to like in his image and he found he couldn't bare the sight of himself. What did it matter if he cried now? Cas was gone, probably forever.

Only, Castiel reappeared by the bathroom door. Even if Dean lied about it, there was just _something_ about that coat. The angel knelt down to pick it up. Before he could fly off again, Dean was on top of him, quickly crushing him against the wall. "No! Wait! I'm sorry! I'm sorry for yelling at you! I'm sorry for every damn thing I've ever done to hurt you. Don't go. I'm begging you. Please!"

He startled Castiel. For a moment, the wildness in Dean's eyes made the angel believe he wasn't the only one that was crazy. Truth be told, Castiel was exhausted with Dean. He didn't understand a thing the human did. Before he knew it, he was crowded against the bathroom wall with Dean pressed closely to his body.

Castiel swallowed hard. Of course he loved Dean. Dean could beg anything of the angel and he would give it gladly. Castiel was unable to do anything about it, and he completely understood that Dean would never love him back – not the way he loved Dean. Castiel remained in place because he was scared and because Dean had asked it of him. Even though the angel's heart felt like a mass of bleeding pulp, Castiel didn't want to leave Dean any more than Dean wanted him to leave.

"I kept the coat…" Dean began, grabbing the part of the coat that Castiel was not holding. "I kept it because it reminded me of you."

Their eyes met and they shared in a perturbed, heated silence. Dean touched his forehead to Castiel's. "I kept it because I always knew you'd come back. A part of me always knew. Cas, you… you…" Dean was trembling with his admission. Admitting any of this to Cas was painfully difficult, but it needed to be done. He had almost pushed him away and he couldn't live with himself if he let Castiel go now. After loosing him so many times, he just couldn't lose him again. "You fuckin' stupid angel bastard. I've been carrying a torch for you since you died. Since even before then."

Now it was Dean that expected reality to be altered in some way. Yet, the world did not collapse. It kept going and it was better for finally having heard Dean's mangled proclamation of love. Castiel was holding in his breath. Feeling Dean so close was arousing. He knew that even though Dean's words had been laced with insults, there was something powerful in their meaning. He inspected Dean with an intensity that made Dean feel naked. Still, Castiel could not get past one portion of Dean's confession. As Castiel began to speak, Dean hung on to his every word.

"I…I don't recall leaving a torch anywhere."

The room had been so tense and silent, but now Dean's short laugh filled the bathroom. "It's a figure of speech, Cas."

"Oh…" The angel replied. "Well, I don't understand what it means."

Dean made him understand with his lips. He kissed Castiel with all the fervor he'd been holding deep within for years. He didn't stop until Castiel was squirming and fighting for air. Dean broke apart, listening to the angel's heavy pants for a moment before pressing him even harder against the wall to continue exploring his lips. If kisses were his apologies, Dean couldn't kiss Cas enough. He licked and teased Castiel until the angel's mouth fell open with small moans. Dean let his tongue slide in his mouth and his hands roam over Castiel's sensitive, willing body.

Dean was absorbed in his taste and fired up by the warmth between them. He groped Castiel's ass and brought their hips together. Dean only broke apart from his lips to suck his neck. "This is what it means, Cas…" Dean whispered in Castiel's ear. "It means I'm not whole without you."

Castiel's eyes fell closed. He held Dean, thinking deeply about what was happening. Not a single image of Hell could penetrate the remarkable revelation between them. Castiel felt so genuinely happy. It was nothing short of a miracle. He let his hands explore Dean experimentally. His face nudged Dean until he found his lips and then Castiel initiated a sloppy kiss.

The pair was fused as one to the wall. Their bodies rutted together with the dirty coat between them until Dean felt heady and Castiel was blushing deeply. None of his hallucinations had been quite like this. Castiel had no idea how much more he would experience.

"How about that shower?" His human partner asked in a tone of voice that somehow struck every pleasurable nerve in Castiel's body. It wasn't as if Castiel had a choice. They kissed their way to the shower, falling over their own clothing. They were both hot and hungry. Dean's hand fumbled over the shower knob. Because he had not shifted his intense attention off Cas for a minute, the water shot out cold. They shouted together in surprise but did not untangle their bodies. Every second was so blazingly real.

Dean rubbed his cheek against Castiel's scratchy stubble. That had been one of his fantasies. He adored the angel's strong, perpetually unshaven jaw. The water began to warm up as Dean kissed, licked, sucked, and touched every bit of Cas he could reach.

"Dean! Y-You're…" Castiel gasped incoherently. All he could do was plead nonsense as Dean's beautiful mouth trailed down his chest. Cas started when his nipple was worked over and he begged Dean unintelligible things half in English and half in his heavenly language as every rib and every muscle in his abdomen was worshiped by Dean. Even the soft, sensitive skin beneath his bellybutton received special attention.

Dean had never once wanted to suck a cock like he wanted Cas'. He was on his knees without even thinking. Eagerly, his tongue traveled over Castiel's erection. He may not have had any experience in the task, but he had been on the receiving end enough to know what a man would like. He sucked carefully, savoring every sound Cas made, until he finally swallowed him into his mouth as deeply as he could. He sucked and stroked until Castiel had almost ripped the shower curtain from its rings. When at last he came, his entire body shuddered. Castiel could have never imagined something like that.

Dean swallowed curiously. He had nothing to compare it to, but he was convinced Castiel's taste was probably superior to any other creature. He licked Castiel until he thought the man would cry and then they both settled down onto the plastic floor. When Castiel looked at Dean who was soaking wet with water trailing off his jaw and his long eyelashes, Castiel was convinced he was beholding a beautiful, otherworldly being. He was slow to notice that Dean was still fully aroused. When Castiel's face bumped into Dean's chest and he began to kiss a path down, Dean gripped him by his shoulders.

"N-No," He stuttered. As always, Dean couldn't describe everything that was on his mind. "You're an angel."

Dean's words reminded Castiel of the time long ago when Dean had been faithless and had believed he was unworthy of being saved. Now, Dean did not believe he was worthy of Cas. He held Castiel up to a higher standard because he loved him and because Castiel was still holy and beautiful to Dean even after all they had been through. Castiel kissed Dean in sweet, loving way and dragged Dean into his lap.

Dean didn't get to decide what Castiel did with his hands. The angel left kisses over Dean's shoulder, sneaking a hand to grasp and stroke Dean's cock. Dean fell back into Castiel, allowing himself the pleasure because he wanted it so badly. Castiel sucked Dean's neck and worked his hand fast. After being tortured with Dean's face every day, he was familiar with this touch. Castiel was finally able to caress Dean as he had wanted to for so long. Both of their fantasies were coming true.

"Faster," Dean demanded. " _Faster._ "

He gave Cas a warning before he came. _This is paradise_ , Dean thought. He didn't need to go to heaven because Cas was his heaven. Dean and Cas couldn't be bothered to move for a long time. Castiel's fingers traced Dean's muscles with lazy little patterns. They forgot the reason they had gone into the bathroom in the first place even though the water splashing on their naked bodies was the greatest reminder possible. Castiel wanted to hold Dean forever.

"Oh, fuck!" Dean started. "Fuck!"

"What's wrong?"

"Cas, we gotta get ready. Sammy - " Dean began panicking. Slowly, the pair got up. "Sammy's still waiting for us. Here, lemme just…"

Dean rushed pour some shampoo in Castiel's hair. For some reason, the angel found it incredibly amusing. Too much had come out of the bottle so Dean rubbed the rest on his own hair. _No big deal. Legit reason to be in the bathroom. Just getting clean. No fucking happening here. Aw, but fuck…_ He massaged his fingers through Castiel's hair and pulled him into a sudden, hot kiss. Castiel decided he would never use his angel mojo to get clean ever again.

* * *

Dean was lucky Sam hadn't been in the room when he ran out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel to fetch his clothes and Cas' new suit. He had time to towel-dry Castiel's hair and get him properly dressed, kissing him in between everything he did. He knew he would have to stop kissing him eventually. He couldn't do this in front of Sammy. Until Sam arrived, Dean took every advantage he could and Castiel did not complain. They shared a meaningful gaze when Dean helped Castiel back into his coat.

By the time Sam entered, Dean and Cas were fully clothed and standing in the middle of the room with feigned innocence. Dean was grinning a little bit too much as he adjusted Castiel's tie. Aside from Castiel's hair that was more tousled than usual, the angel appeared perfectly normal, if not a little bit shinier than usual.

"Oh, thank God," were Sam's only words as he settled down in a chair by the window. He'd come in too early about two times now and had had to take several long walks. There was nothing that surprised him about what had happened, but there were certain things he would rather not hear. "You're finally clean. Um, so… There's still some coffee. It's probably cold now. But, uh, while you were… _taking a shower_ , I found some leads."

Just as easily as that, their lives resumed seamlessly. The suit Dean had selected for Castiel was slightly roomy, but the tie suited him perfectly. Everyday, the blue of Castiel's eyes regained a little more clarity. The trio still hunted things and obsessed over saving the world. They still fought like children and drank too much.

But, when night fell, Dean no longer complained about sharing a bed with Cas. He looked forward to it even though he never said it. Sometimes they just slept. Dean would curl up into Cas, holding onto him so he would never go. Dean even started to allow spooning. Other times, Dean waited until it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop to crawl on top of Castiel and kiss him quietly and as deeply as he dared. He would grasp the angel's hair and warn him not to moan. A few times, Sam threw pillows at them.

Sam got into the habit of taking many long walks. He also got into the habit of buying them lube and writing snarky, embarrassing notes that he would leave by the lube on the nightstand. Sam took hundreds of incriminating photos, but he also chastised Dean any time he began to look at or flirt with attractive women.

" _Dean._ "

"What? I have eyes," Dean would reply. He never did anything more than look. As it turned out, Castiel was a natural when it came to carnal love, which wasn't surprising with how he had mastered a porn star's kiss in a single try. He kept Dean calm and satiated.

Castiel still heard things, usually hell hounds, and sometimes his world took on a reddish tint. He was prone to panic attacks, but they were no longer grounded in anything concrete. Dean was always there to hang on to. If Lucifer spoke to him, Castiel no longer heard him because he was gradually becoming strong again. He had the Winchesters to take care of and a world to save. Monsters were drawn to his vulnerability, but the boys were vicious in the way they guarded his back.

As much as they loved him, having Castiel back on their team was difficult in many ways. Castiel's continued madness was a challenge, but almost nothing was as difficult as finding forgiveness. The three men always reminded each other of their betrayals and mistakes by virtue of existing. They had all been vile and unforgivable in their own ways. They were dark and dysfunctional, but they would forever be a family.

Sam urged Dean and Castiel to become closer than they ever had been before, which was made easy by the fact that Dean's continued attention improved Castiel's condition. Neither Winchester could stand to see Castiel suffer. Dean made up for abandoning him in the mental hospital by refusing to let the angel leave his sight and by pampering him with anything the angel might want or need. Castiel needed his touch and his nearness to be reminded of what was real. Sam did a great deal of his research at cafes and diners to give Castiel the time he needed for his 'therapy,' which turned out to be as beneficial to Dean as it was to Castiel.

Sam had only to witness Castiel in one of his bad moments to forgive him. The memory of being insane was still fresh in his mind and it was something he would not wish upon anyone. The young, but wise, Winchester recognized that Castiel's disturbed mental state was the consequence of the appalling actions Cas had taken with good intentions. Although tragic, it was Karma that everything had backfired on Castiel in such a way. Sam forgave Cas because he knew, better than almost anyone, what it was to do horrific things in pursuit of something that was believed to be just and right. Sam knew what it was like to go off into the deep end only to come back up feeling unworthy of even holding oxygen in his lungs. People died when they believed that the ends justified the means and when they applied cold logic to a problem that required compassion and a conscience. Sam understood and he embraced Cas because, in this sense, they were exactly alike.

Unlike Sam and Castiel, Dean didn't have the ability to air out all their problems with words. Dean had lived a difficult, ugly life for so long that deep down inside he didn't think any part of it was ever meant to be easy or good. He kept himself shut in and conflicted because it was his way, but he gradually came to accept that the new Cas was truly sorry over everything he'd done. Dean heard him apologize thousands of times even if he usually was not awake when Castiel pleaded for forgiveness.

Dean couldn't help burying himself in Cas and letting himself become hopelessly attached to the angel even though he expected the other shoe to eventually drop. He never anticipated he would fall for someone that was perfect, so, in a way, it was fitting for him to love a rebellious, crazy angel. Dean's devotion and his forgiveness were evident in the way he watched out for Castiel and kept him close. Angels may have been watching over Dean since he was a baby, but now, Dean was watching over Castiel.

Every 'idjit' on the team had sold his soul in one fashion or other, made raw deals, and nearly destroyed the world. The blood from their hands could fill a river. They kept on going because they had each other. Although they tried to carry each other's burdens all on their own, they always needed to rely on each other in the end. They did not have the ability to forget anything they had been through, but they forgave out of a love that was profound and unbreakable.


End file.
